Resuscitation
I miss Cloister. I started this project with so much hope and passion, with so many visions of what I wanted to do and create. I felt on fire… and then I felt the room drain of oxygen, felt bludgeoned by waves rushing to extinguish the flames. I grew exhausted and alienated from my access to everything that fertilized this blooming within my being. Life got hard and overwhelming. I lost touch with important things within myself, Cloister included.
The last couple of months, I’ve spent mourning everything that I had once come in contact with that now felt like it had passed. I was almost convinced that I just needed to let Cloister go, thank it for what it had given to me and move on.
But recently something inside of me broke in the most transformative way. The pressures inside me erupted and I find myself settling into a new resolve: I’m remembering what it is to simultaneously act and surrender—to be open and also to fight for myself and what is important. I’m done giving myself away. I’m done setting the things I love on the shelf.
In that spirit, I want to start breathing life back into Cloister, to lend it my attention—resuscitate its pulse. To start, I came to the tarot for a moment of reflection. I share the reading here:
Where have I come from? 5 of Wands
~ Lost in a sea of activity, you’ve come from a contracted space: “It’s been difficult to focus on your goals when there is so much fire and aggression in the foreground.” Even though this felt like long-term conditions that were here to stay—even though you wondered if it would ever end, know that this time was temporary. We all move through times and spaces where it’s necessary for us to pick and chose our battles. During this time, you just simply couldn’t do it all… and that’s okay. You spent a lot of time in valuable consideration of the most effective way to direct your energy while also taking stock of the frustrations that get you caught up in cycles of stagnation and energetic burnout. Basically, sweet soul, you’ve been fighting through a big ol’ mess; but know this: even though you couldn’t see it at the time, this difficult time was essential to your creative process. You’ve been pulling everything out of the closet and taking stock of everything that gets in your way. The work you’ve been doing to find your way out of this mess will serve you for a long time to come—will set you up to work more sustainably and fruitfully. You’re learning what it is to do and create now, in any conditions, here in this mundane and secular world in which soulfulness is so very needed.
What am I moving through at present? Page of Swords
~ Reconnecting with the joy, passions, and ambitions that sparked this project, you are learning to get practical about being creative. You are spending this present moment considering new ways of coming pack to this project under changed circumstances. You are still feeling this out—learning by doing with somewhat fuzzy vision, but here you are: giving yourself the chance to devote yourself to what is meaningful to you. The present is for allowing yourself to reconnect with the idealist in you that has something to share. Go ahead, start again, begin again joyous in this newfound conviction. It will be a little different this time and that too is okay. Balance is a beautiful thing and this is what you’re learning: the balancing act that will allow you to ground and support the re-opening and re-blossoming that is asking to come forth.
Where am I headed? The Magician (reversed)
~ The work ahead is toward the development of your tools: laying the groundwork and tilling your soil so that your seeds will be able to sprout and grow in a nourished and supported way. You’re learning how to both plant a garden and how to care for it as it grows. These lessons are always done imperfectly—through trial and error. You know this: learning by doing is always the best way to learn. Through this, you’ll learn to embrace the bumpiness and the inevitability of mistakes, the circuitous paths, the inconstancy of your pace. You’ll learn to work with yourself—within yourself—and with / within / despite external circumstances. Take your time here, go slow and remember to pause and move in turn. Pause when you need to reflect, recenter, reconnect: it’s essential to gather up and our resources. Move when you are able: careful not to let opportunities for movement pass you by. Through this, you’ll learn how to gather, how to channel, how to put your tools to best use. This is important work that you will do in your own time. Enjoy the learning.
“Apparition: A Spirit Speak Tarot Deck” by Mary Elizabeth Evans